A phrase that often refers to going from one bad situation to one that’s even worse.

Domestic abuse is far more common than many of us want to believe, so it is inevitable there will be people who have multiple experiences with different partners.

Systematic victim blaming and self blame, can lead those affected feeling they are the cause. That it is them who somehow attract abusive partners.

This is a MYTH.

As you read Rachel’s story consider these questions.

How do you think Rachel might respond if she knew what Paul was doing?

Why do you think Paul feels entitled to behave this way?

What are the risks if Paul’s behaviour is exposed?

Rachel 

After 25 years of marriage to Graham, Rachel, 47, escaped his grip of his physical violence.

It was a difficult time, but Rachel had a good support network and their children were older and had left home.

A few years later, she met Paul through a colleague at work. Paul swept Rachel off her feet. He was attentive & everything she had been craving for years. 

Everyone described him as her ‘knight in shining armour’.

Paul was a gentle giant, quiet, unassuming.  Very different to Graham. He respected Rachel’s need to take their relationship slowly. She was receiving counselling & part of that meant she needed time alone to work on herself & build her confidence.

He was sensitive & understanding.

As her confidence grew she began wearing brighter, more flamboyant clothes & jewellery.

Graham had always dictated what she could wear & how much makeup she used, so she felt really empowered when she bought a pair of multi coloured chunky earrings and wore bright pink lipstick.

They were symbolic of her feeling herself again.

Loud. Silly. Fun.

 All the things she wasn’t ‘allowed to be’ when she was with Graham.

Paul complimented Rachel on her change in style & made her feel like a desired woman again. He was happy for her to take centre stage. She could tell he was proud to be by her side, when they went out together.

Rachel was gradually getting her identity back & felt she was back in control of her life.

There was just one niggly feeling that Rachel couldn’t shake off.

Paul would ask Rachel a lot of questions when she went out without him.

She often met with friends or visited her grown up sons. It started very gradually, with the odd text message from Paul.

But over the coming months Rachel began to feel suffocated.

Are you having a good time? Xx

Who’s out? Xx

What time will you be home? Xx

Should I pick you up? Xx

I miss you, hate you not being here Xx

How much have you had to drink? Xx

Can you come home now? Xx

I just love you sooo much Xx

Rachel… bloody reply!

 

Rachel knew Paul’s ex had cheated on him, so she convinced herself he was just insecure. She would reassure him & he apologised when she explained how the calls & messages made her feel.

Paul would be the perfect partner again. Flowers, lovely meals, great sex would follow.

She continued to go out without Paul & felt proud that she stood her ground, she wasn’t changing herself again for a man. 

What Rachel didn’t know was that Paul had downloaded a tracking app onto her phone, swapped her phone charger for one that could copy her messages & had installed a dash cam into her car which recorded where she went & sound in the car.

Paul knew her every move & the majority of her communication with friends & family

He knew EXACTLY where she was, who she was with & what she was doing.

He knew he had full control, Rachel didn’t.  

What if..

Rachel understood the dynamics & patterns of coercive control?

What if? 

Rachel had someone she could speak to about Paul’s insecurities?

What if..

Someone had asked her more, given her chance to say those niggly feelings out loud? 

What if…

Someone, anyone reached in